Daily Joke 😂

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's freezing out here!

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Parallel lines have so much in common — it's a shame they'll never meet.

What has keys but can't open locks? A piano.

Why did the man fall off his bike? Because he lost his balance.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "Why the long face?"

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

My son asked me what it's like to be a parent. So I woke him up at 3 AM to tell him.

Grandparents: the only ones who still say "back in my day" and you actually want to hear the rest.

Siblings: the only enemy you'd take a bullet for — after considerable thought.

I told my date I was a photographer for a magazine. She said "Cool, which one?" I said "A small one, mostly for my fridge."

"Are you French? Because Eiffel for you."

"Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes. Also literally — where are we?"

My in-laws are visiting for a month. On the bright side, I've finally learned to appreciate my commute.

My roommate labeled his food in the fridge. So I labeled mine "also his" — now we share.

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body. Of evidence. From a crime scene. In Minecraft.

Why was the cat sitting on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.

What's a bird's favorite type of math? Owl-gebra.

Why are horses such great storytellers? Because they have great tails.

Why did the cow go to space? To see the moooon.

Why don't fish like basketball? Because they're afraid of the net.

What do you call a lazy penguin? A procrastinator — it keeps putting things on ice.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

Why are bees always buzzing? Because they can't find their keys.

Why did the math teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.

I studied for hours. "Hours" is a nice word for twenty minutes of reading and three of staring at the ceiling.

I would do my homework, but my dog ate my motivation.

My exam strategy is to guess B. The letter B. Every answer. It's bold. It's brave. It's a 25% plan.

Why was the equal sign so humble? Because he knew he wasn't less than or greater than anyone.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

My coworker asked if I'd seen his stapler. Maybe I have. Maybe it lives in my drawer now. The mystery deepens.

"This meeting could have been an email." — inscription on every tombstone, 2021.

"What's your biggest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't care what you think."

Staplers: the only office supply that commits to its job. Meanwhile, pens go home with everyone and never return.

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

In JavaScript: "2" + 2 is "22", but "2" - 2 is 0. This language is held together by hopes, dreams, and Stack Overflow.

Python: the only language where you'll cry over a misplaced space bar.

"Sir, is it plugged in?" "Yes!" "Is the other end plugged in?" "…I'll call you back."

I changed my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can". Now my neighbors send their kids over to fix their internet.

My phone battery lasts all day — if I don't use it. If I unlock it, it's a countdown to doom.

I asked the AI for relationship advice. It said "have you tried turning her off and on again?"

The internet: where you go looking for one fact and end up 3 hours later watching a squirrel eat a tiny burrito.

"One more match" — a phrase that has ended more relationships than infidelity.

Real hackers don't wear hoodies. They wear bathrobes. At 3 PM. On a Tuesday.

Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.

I told my chemistry joke but got no reaction.

What do you call a dinosaur with good eyesight? A do-you-think-he-saurus.

I was going to tell you a joke about space, but it was too out-of-this-world.

Geologists are never boulder than when they're in their element — literally, surrounded by sediment.

I'm reading a book about the history of glue — I can't put it down.

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing — it just waved.

Why did the philosopher cross the road? To question the nature of "the other side".

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. And why 10? Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals a day.

An engineer's glass isn't half full or half empty — it's twice as big as it needs to be.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

Before coffee: I hate everyone. After coffee: I love everyone, but I'm still not making eye contact.

A good cup of tea solves everything — and if it doesn't, another cup will.

Beer: because no great story started with someone eating a salad.

Wine is just grape juice that went to college.

I tried to catch some fog yesterday — mist.

Why don't vegetables fight? They lack celery.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

I don't cook — I microwave. My smoke alarm is my timer.

Referee: "That's a yellow card." Me, never playing soccer: "I'll take 2, thanks."

I tried basketball once. My elevation was impressive — I jumped to the conclusion I should try another sport.

Baseball: the only sport where "out" means "sit down" and "home" means "you scored".

Tennis players never marry — love means nothing to them.

Golf is a 6-hour walk interrupted by 90 small disasters.

I've been going to the gym for three months. Nothing has changed — but my membership card is very worn.

I was going to start running, but then I remembered I'm already running late for everything.

Fishing: the only hobby where "I caught one this big" varies from 6 inches to 6 feet depending on how many beers.

Camping: where you spend $500 to live like you're homeless for a weekend.

I tried yoga. Now I can touch my toes — with my eyes. Which I do, while lying on the couch.

Mondays are like math problems. I hate them, I don't understand them, and they keep coming back.

Saturday: "Don't worry, there's tomorrow." Sunday: [shows up wearing a Monday mask].

What does a cloud wear under its clothes? Thunderwear.

My wallet is like an onion — opening it makes me cry.

Money talks — mine only knows one phrase: "goodbye".

Traffic: where everyone hates everyone — including the people in their own car.

Airport food: where a bottle of water costs more than your flight and somehow also more than a kidney.

I stayed at a hotel that claimed "continental breakfast". The continent was clearly "regret".

Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." Doctor: "Then don't do that. That'll be $200."

Dentist: "This won't hurt a bit." Translation: "This will hurt in seventeen bits."

Me at the cinema: "I'll just have a small popcorn." Cashier: "$12." Me: *mortgage forms*

"Are you still watching?" is the ultimate judgment. Netflix knows — and Netflix is ashamed.

Why did the musician get locked out? He lost the keys.

I bought a book about procrastination. I'll start reading it… eventually.

Modern art: if you have to ask what it means, you can't afford it.

Why don't ghosts like the rain? It dampens their spirits.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately, the number keeps going up.

Wedding planning: two people deciding which of their families will be disappointed about which detail.

Travel tip: pack your bag the night before. Forget something important. Realize it at the airport. This is tradition.